Conquering Fears

I was in the passenger seat while my father drove along the 400 Highway. My husband and 6 month old son slept in the back seats. The road was busy that night. I can't remember but most likely it was a Sunday after a long weekend. My father usually drove us home after a family holiday get together.

We were between two tractor trailers when it happened. The truck on the right decided he was switching into our lane right now. I could feel myself unable to breathe. "My son is in this car and we are trapped" was all I could think. There is no where to go.

My father was so calm as he slowed down and laid on the horn allowing himself to fall back behind both trucks. It felt like forever before the truck driver realized what he was doing and returned to his own lane. He was no more than a few inches from my window. I was so shaken up I cried. Perhaps tears of relief. Maybe because I realized how precious my son's life really was. Most likely because of fear because I knew that I didn't know what I would have done. I believed that had I been driving my son would be dead. I decided right then and there that I did not ever want to operate a vehicle with my child inside. Isn't that what everyone always says? "If you can't drive, stay off the road". I planned to steer clear off any and every road. If I didn't get my license then I would never have to drive and be responsible for putting him in danger.

That was about 8 years ago.

As time tends to do, the 'trauma' I felt that night subsided and I was able to get a grip on reality for periods of time. It started in 2008 when I decided that I would get my G1 and face this fear, or deal with my lack of photo ID issue. One or the other. It must have been the latter because it wasn't until March of this year that I actually forced myself to get behind the wheel and get rid of this fear once and for all.

Ironically I was forced to learn to drive with my 2 kids in tow. Nothing could make me feel more better than the two of them cheering me on when I managed to get the vehicle between the lines in the parking lot. It reminded me of the cheers I used to give them for peeing on the potty.

For the past 3 months I did all the driving I could do and actually began to like it. "Turn here. Go this way" my husband would say and I'd go straight saying "I want to go this way". I want to go this way. Yes, I want to make my own choices. I want to be in control.

Today I took my driving test for my G2. Wearing a necklace my son made me for luck I took a deep breath and; turned left, turned right, 3 point turned, parallel parked, parked uphill and down, and parked between two lines and you know what; I passed.

More than that I conquered a fear that has burdened me most of my adult life. I feel so free to no longer have this desire to run free but feeling trapped between two trucks. Now I know what I would do in that situation, just as my father knew so many years go. I am glad that I waited until I was ready, but I will not allow fear to hold me back like that again. From now on I will look fear straight in the face and conquer it. Unless of course it's a creepy crawling insect or a bumble bee. Those are fears for another day.